Sibling Rivalry

"Why is it always you! You want me out of our bed last night! Now you want me out of my seat! You are always whining!"screamed the angry older sister to her young sibling. My heart instantly prayed that Ate and Jaden will not be like this. That they will not follow the footsteps of the Barretto sisters whose quarrels are made public that even their mother already takes sides.

My main issue with Ate and Jaden is that ate is not mature enough to understand that Jaden needs to be taken cared of more because she is still fragile and vulnerable. Although from time to time we tell ate this fact. In as much as Jaden will not also understand that when her ate says that she don't want to share her toy it means no and Jaden has to look for another toy. I want them to play together because for me that is their bonding moment. However most of the time it is the source of their conflict. Their struggle lies in the fact that whatever ate holds, Jaden wants it too. In a similar manner that Papa and I don't want them to feel that we favor one from the other. As much as we can, we treat them equally. But this article proves me wrong.

This is an article by Anthony Kane, MD entitled How to deal with sibling rivalry with link http://www.articlesfactory.com/articles/family/how-to-deal-with-sibling-rivalry.html. I just want to highlight a few points that made an impact to me.

1. Current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family.
2. One of the main benefits that sibling rivalry teaches children is conflict resolution.
3. The second important lesson that we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair.
4. Let your children work out disputes themselves.
5. Once there is a fight they are automatically both wrong. What caused the fight becomes secondary.  
6. Constantly giving in is not acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the compromise.
7. One of the things that sibling rivalry teaches is that things in life are not always fair.
8. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources.

Another article; Sibling Rivalry and how to help with link http://www.solutionsforchildproblems.com/sibling-fighting.html, says that  we can use incidents of sibling fighting, for example, to teach children how to solve conflict, to problem solve, assert themselves, handle negative feelings and empathize with and appreciate the perspective of others.

I also read on http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080113173816AAC4wLD, how to deal with sibling fighting in toddlers says that,  In the case of a child having a toy snatched from their hands, it is the child who lost the toy. Our culture likes to label this child the "victim" and we have very strong personal ideas about helping an innocent victim! Our first impulse is to rush over and console the "poor upset victim" and to admonish the "bully" who overstepped his bounds. We pluck the toy from the "bully", yell at him for his mean behaviour and return it to the "victim" so we have set things right!

The trouble with this response is that it actually grooms a child to be more likely to be a victim, because they have learned by standing still and looking tearful and upset (under-resourced or being incapable), someone will come and handle their life problems. The successful outcome shows the child that their approach was a good strategy to solve a problem. This does not hold up well as a life lesson. We don't want to teach this.

The other faulty notion is to mistakenly believe that the child snatching the toy was in some way being mean and brutal. No, in fact, that child is also deficient in how to solve his life problems. He wants a toy and so he must solve how to get it. Much of what young children know has come from watching their parents deal with them, and they frequently learn from parent-child interactions, that "might is right".

The child takes the most simplistic model he is aware of in his young age and experience and goes about solving his situation with his peers the only way he knows. He has no feelings of meanness, he just wants to solve the problem of getting the toy! If we punish this boy he may potentially learn that "life is out to get me" and that he is a "bad boy" and he will begin to grow and develop in line with that expectation. Our responses will actually foster BOTH the "bully" and the "victim" idea we are fearful of and trying to avoid!

The parent or teacher's role in these scenarios is to train the children in ways to deal more effectively and co-operatively with this life challenge. It is a time to guide and teach (the real basis of discipline) not to punish. Neither is a victim or bully, they are just two children in need of skills development and in growing their "social interest" as we Adlerian call it (also known as social feeling - caring for others).


With all these readings, and I think it is too much for me to take in as of the moment. It will take time to change our perspective on sibling rivalry from that mentioned in the article. But of course we all learn and I hope it will not be too late. I also pray that their rivalry / fighting will not be as intense.

First 2-day trip together

Relieve.Happy. All positive thoughts. May 25, 2013 marks our first trip as family; Ate, Jaden, papa and me. It was also the first time ate and Jaden ride a bus. Everytime we see buses, ate would always ask when will she be able to ride a bus. We had a company outing. Our first stop was lake sebu, it was super tiring at lake sebu because we have to walk, the road is steep and I have to carry a heavy backpack. Next was the Punta Isla Resort, still in lake sebu. We had lake tour there and lunch. Then we went to Dolores Tropicana Resort at Tambler General Santos. We spend the night there. The following morning we went to Lemlunay Resort to try their infinity pool and their dive spot. We end our trip with a visit at SM General Santos.

The first thing that I observed with ate is that she instantly rekindled her friendship with the other kids NOT her age. Well the kids in the trip were 7 years old and above. Jaden was the youngest. The 2 kids are from her ballet classes and the other kid was from her daycare years, which was a year ago. The other kid she met when she was 2 years old. All through out the trip ate was with her friends. She always ask permission to be with her friends, to play with her friends and to stroll the places with her friends. When swimming, she is also with her friends all the time but we were there to look at them for safety reasons. Her friends all had swimming lessons so I was a little bit wary since ate has none.

On the other hand, Jaden also showed that she won't be a baggage too heavy to carry. She walks on her own, swims on her own, plays with the other kids and she did not quarrel with anybody (except a few petty squabble with ate). She also volunteered to join the other kids, with ate of course, walking within the premises of Dolores Tropicana Resort. It was Jaden's first away from home, and it was not at all a bad experience for us. She has shown signs of maturity and indepence for her age. The downfall was that she stumbled many times because she would not let us hold her hands while walking. She wants to do it herself.

We don't have a family picture though. Ate has her own activities to deal with and it does not involve us, unfortunately. I realize that time flies so fast. Ate will become her own girl, soon lady and next woman. We will be there to make sure that ate will choose her friends and activities wisely. She may have a mind of her own but she still needs proper guidance, support and lots of love. I hope her being friendly does not mean that she is looking for someone to cling on and who will love her, because we gave her enough of those already. I do pray that she will not betray our trust and confidence.

Till our next travel. I hope it will be on an airplane.

Preparations for school

With her ballet lesson over, I want ate to prepare for the coming school year. Ate will be level II on June 2013. In order for her to remember what she learned in her nursery year at Lamb of God ( formerly SPED Claveria, Davao City), I printed some worksheets for ate and Jaden to color. As much as possible, I want to simulate the curriculum of the school. I observed that their first lesson was about colors. Although I know ate knows her colors already, I just want her to recall and add a few hues to the basic colors that she knew. The bonus is that Jaden can also participate.

And the results....

Jaden's

 Ate's

This activity will be Jaden's first grasp of colors. I am happy that she participated. Aside from crayons, we also let them use the washale paints and hand paints. The problem with these things is that the two kids end up coloring their shirts or their bodies instead. We also have the colored pens and Jaden will use it to put color on her face. Thus we minimize their usage. There are many ways to teach colors though to toddlers. I make variations. Its not everyday or the wholeday spent on coloring the worksheets. Children and toddlers alike has very short attention span. Every ten minutes or so, or if ate and Jaden ignores the worksheet already, we don't force them. I told their nanny to shift to another activity, reading, dancing or playing. I also encourage their nanny to make every activity a learning activity, be it play or casual conversation.

Even twins are never alike in everything. For me, it is a struggle to not compare Jaden with ate. I always remind myself never mention in front of the two kids that they are being compared. I am well aware that they have different level of learning. If one is delayed, it does not mean that she is inferior of the other. I will just enjoy and connect with their being children.

Dressing Up

I was not aware that there is a rule prohibiting a customer from taking pictures of the items sold in the malls. It was a laugh out loud (LOL) moment when a sales person approach at the SM department store, telling us that we are not allowed to take pictures of ate and Jaden wearing their hats.

But we were able to save the picture. After this scenario, ate and Jaden went to try on a pair of shoes. I observed that the male sales attendant conspicuously watched my cellphone, observing if I am going to take pictures of ate wearing their shoes. Just like in Victoria Plaza when the kiddos wore their sunglasses. We were also told it was prohibited.What could be their reasons? This makes me wonder what mall would be our next victim?

Evidently, my two kids like to dress up. Ate cried 2 nights ago that she has a very small selections of clothes. And she is only four years old. How many more clothes will she purchase if she is already in her teen years! Every time ate changes her clothes Jaden follows suit. Yeah, Jadens clothes are 98% hand overs. But fortunately, we can force Jaden not to change because she does not know yet how to wear her own clothes. However it is a different story with ate Maisie. I remember not so long ago, ate and I had an argument. It was the nth time she wants to change her clothes and then I told her that she can change her clothing if she knows how to wear one. This maybe the reason why she struggled to learn. Jaden, being observant that she is, is not lagging behind. We can see that Jaden also wanted to learn just like her ate. 

How breath-taking it is to be a kid! Its like they are free from everything and they are protected from the negative. This is the very reason why I want to spend as much time with ate and Jaden. I want to be part of their being a kid. You can see in their eyes there is no pretense. If they are happy, sad or they want to dress up they will let you know. I guess you will never understand  children if you can't see the world in their own eyes. I have been reading so much about raising a kid, and I want to read more. I just hope my doing so will make me a better parent, better friend and sister to ate Maisie and Jaden.

Ate Maisie's Recital

After 2 hours of waiting, we finally witnessed the dance of ate Maisie, the "graduation" event from her ballet class at Royeca school of Ballet. But the events before the "event" was a revelation also.

I took a half day leave to help prepare ate for her recital. For an amateur in the make up department, I think ate's appearance was better than okay. Although I had much practice with her hair. Ate put on the maskara herself (she had youtubes teaching her). We tagged along Jaden for additional "support" and also for Jaden to watch first hand how her ate fares in her recital.

We arrived at approximately 2:30pm (the call time was 2pm and will start, according to the letter given to us, at 3pm). The venue, SM City Annex was already jam-packed considering that the allotted space was small, it was a relief that they add chairs so we don't have to stand. Given the fact that there were kids and toddlers, the waiting time was stressful. Ate played around with her classmates on stage, and Jaden, realizing how exciting it is for ate also wants to join the chaos. I can feel and see in Jaden's eyes that she also wants to play, to be on stage, to wear a costume, actually when I put on ate's lipstick, Jaden also put color on her lips. Then I told Jaden that when she's old like her ate, she's going to do something like this. But when she was able to break free from my grip, she cruise around the stage. She danced and she pose for the camera. However, her excitement was short lived as the organizers got hold of her and turned her over to me.

Even during her performances in nursery, ate always dances with a smile. You know that she enjoyed every minute of her performance. She was the smallest among the group of fishes, that was their costume.

And all the while ate was dancing, Jaden was clapping her hands for ate Maisie. You can feel that she it proud of her ate. While clapping she keeps chanting, ate issie, ate issie (that's how she calls her for now).

Ate received a certificate of attendance. I am planning to have it framed and hung at our room. She already has one when she attended a one-week seminar workshop at McDonald's kiddie crew last year. I reckon, our room will be turned into an exhibits of certificates before she even graduates from grade school! Nonetheless we are very proud of you ate. I know you will be the best in all your endeavor. Keep it up ate.

Jaden's Milestones

It's a relief, I heard my Jaden's voice conversing with me. Although its just a one word, two words, sometimes three words, I can decipher what she is trying to say. A month ago she was just babbling, now there's a big difference. And just like what we did with ate Maisie, we don't encourage baby talk. I read an article before teaching parents to engage their toddlers in conversation. We talk to her in sentence form not in phrase. As pointed out by an article; Speech development in infant and toddler by Debbie Reese (with link http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content4/speech.develop.baby.pn.html) we don't finish a sentence for Jaden. We patiently wait for her "response".

Jaden already knows that her name is Jaden, although she can't pronounced it clearly. She also calls her ate, ate Issi.Everytime she does that, we aptly tell her its ate MMMMaisie so she'll know how her ate should be called. We are mama and papa to ate and Jaden. But when ate asked Jaden where is mommy, Jaden immediately point her fingers towards me. Ate can make an effective teacher,specially when she teaches ballet to Jaden and me. Jaden is also active, keeping up with ate's lead. She can run and can go small jumps. What interests us is that her body is so flexible. However, we are also scared when she follows ate doing a ballet split or a tumbling. It is a joy also to watch ate and Jaden play. Their laughter fills our home and my heart. Its exactly the opposite when they quarrel. I know these are stages, I just hope they outgrows this very soon.

Ate seems to be all grown up. I pray that simultaneous to her growing up is her growing patience and understanding for her baby sister. Jaden is entering the phase where she wants attention, the "ME" phase and very soon the terrible "twos".
 

Conversations with ate Maisie

If only I recorded all our conversations. Below are the most recent, we just have it over the weekend. These few ones made an impact to me already considering that it comes from a 4-year old child.

This is the 3rd time she mentioned about having a boy.

Ate: (all of a sudden, I have no inclination she's gonna tell me this) Mama we have to PURCHASE 3 boys.
Mama: (shock) what ate?
Ate: I said we have to purchase 3 boys.
Mama: Why 3 boys ate?
Ate: because mama we are 3 girls, Jaden, you and I, and papa is the only one so there should also be 3 boys.
Mama: ate we don't purchase boys.
And she left me to go to her papa.

Ate is fascinated by bus. If she sees a bus, she always ask when will she ever be able to ride a bus.
Ate: Mama if we are going to ride a bus it will be by twos. I will sit beside you and Jaden will sit beside papa.
Mama: why do we have to sit by twos ate? can't we just sit together, the four of us?
Ate: because mama, the seat in the bus can only accommodate two persons.
I was not aware though that she was able to see through the glass window of the bus, and was able to notice the seats in the bus, whew!!


After we bought her pink ballet shoes, we went outside the department store of Victoria Plaza where items are on bargain. Ate began to fit on shoes of her style. After an nth time of fitting a pair of shoe and removing her socks and putting the socks back after each fit,
Ate: Mama I want to buy this shoe
Mama: (the shoe is worth P150) ate we already bought you a ballet shoes, one at a time ate. we will buy this shoes next time.
Ate: okay
Mama: Ate can we just forgo wearing your socks? I'm sure you will try another shoes.
Ate: Mama even if I try, we will not buy it anyway so might as well I put my socks on.
I was amazed by her response. That signals the end of her shoe fitting.

As mentioned in my previous blogs, this maybe the product of how we treat and converse with ate Maisie. I pray that she will use her wit to deliver positive results, and strive to learn more. Continue learning ate, don't stop.

The anatomy of the word "mama" for babies

I attended a retreat four years ago and I remember vividly what the facilitator told us; children does not love their parents, as they do not know yet the meaning of the word love. Their love for the parents is their translation of the word need. They need their parents that's why as much as possible they want to be close to their parents.

However, I was not prepared with my discovery via the article I read just recently entitled;  Why babies in every country on Earth say 'mama' with link http://ph.she.yahoo.com/why-babies-every-country-earth-mama-085800967.html. A portion of the article states:     

The definitive study on "mama and papa" as universal terms was conducted by Russian linguist Roman Jakobson. He explained that the easiest vocalizations for a human to make are open-mouth vowel sounds. Babies can make vowel sounds (cries) from day one. And they do. Constantly. As they begin to experiment with making other noises, babies will test some of the easier consonant sounds. Usually they start with the sounds made with closed lips, or "labial sounds" such as /m/ /p/ /b/. Babies summon their energy to push out that new consonant sound "MMMM" and then relax into an open mouth vowel, usually "ah" — which is the easiest. When you combine that with a baby's natural repetition in speech, or "babbling," you get " ma-ma", "ba-ba" "pa-pa," and so on.
  
 Before I read this article, I would feel proud that my children's first clear and understandable word is "MAMA". For me, it means that they need their mama more than anyone in the world and that they will be close to their mama as they grow old. Aside from this, there are also articles that states that babies already expresses their love for their parents in their own little ways. Like this article entitled: 7 Response of Baby to Express Love to their Parents, with link http://goodbabyguide.com/raisebaby/7-response-of-baby-to-express-love-to-their-parents/#.UZLcdMrdGZ.

My heart was shattered but my love for my children remains intact. Whatever the findings in their studies, and even if in their growing years they will express, out of anger, that they wish I am not their mother, I will still forever love them. If my memory serves me right, I emailed papa ( my husband) an article entitled, At what age should parents let go of their kids. The answer was that we will never be able to let go of them, or to leave them alone. I will forever be by their side to accompany them in their journey, at their back to hug them every time they want comfort, and in front of them to shield them from harm. Whatever their reasons for calling me Mama, I pray that I have given them more than enough reasons to believe that I have loved them ever since they breathe of life in my womb.

 

Helpful Ate Maisie

Is ate Maisie ready for household chores?

As you've read on my previous blogs, ate is always offering her hands on things that I have done. This being the case, I thought of giving her a schedule of things to do for the day. This will teach her responsibility and this will also avert her from watching TV or using the laptop. Thus, I told her two nights ago that the first thing she should do in the morning is to sweep the floor. My suggestion was met with a blatant "NO". I was not prepared for her "no" though. So I thought of another strategy.

I realize, reviewing the events when she helped me, that she wants to do things with me. Maybe, this explains the fact that she readily wakes up if I am not beside her, or that when conversing she wants me to always reaffirm what she said.

Ate is ready for simple household chores, for as long as she's doing it with me.Or maybe I can use her affinity for playing pretend to coax her doing a task. It's worth a try.

The word that is “MOTHER” in “MAHAL”

Such an effortless and naïve word, “MOTHER”.

 

But let me tell you a story from the book of “Gobal Nnov or sometimes referred to as GOV”.

The word mother is actually just a “stem” word.

It was derived from the word “SMOTHER”.

Take out the affix “S” and you’ll have the word mother.

 

But why amongst plenty of affixes or prefixes for that matter, how come it was “S”?

According to the book of “GOV”…..

The reason being is that it is celebrated every “S”econd “S”unday of the month of May.  

Highly noticeable are the prefixes “S” right?

But it doesn’t end there the legend that is in the word mother.

Let’s further decipher the usually unscathed definition of mother.

 

As previously mentioned, “SMOTHER” is the derivative of the insensate word mother.

You look at any dictionary and thesaurus books and you’ll find the following meanings.

Overwhelm, conceal, suffocate, surfeit…..

Wow, an insensitive word in “mother” when put a prefix of “S” becomes a powerful and moving word!

In “idiom”, MOTHERS as they usually conduct themselves aren’t grandstanding and show-off.

They simply just do their heavenly smothering acts without wanting anything in return tangibly or intangibly.

 

True enough, I’ve seen how “MAHAL” (my wife) does things with Ate Maisie and Jaden.

She overwhelms them with love, affection, and care.

She conceals them from negative influences and health hazards.

She suffocates them with education and religious habits.

All in all, her doting love certainly surfeits anything that is in this realm of earth has to offer.

 

With best wishes for our family, advance HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MAHAL!!!

I love you very very very much!

 

To Ate Maisie and Jaden – you were, are, and will always be enriched by your mother with

nothing but the best rearing and upbringing tools and she wants nothing in return

but for you to be successful and GOD-fearing persons.

I love you very much Ate Maisie Vernice and Jaden Monique!!!  

Our second child

She's grown alright but I can't believe she's grown so fast.Ate calls her Jade, some of our relatives call her "HAPONESA" because of her chinky eyes.

Her pedia at San Pedro Hospital once said that the second child often are more determined, stronger than the first child. I can't say I agree or disagree. I just observed that it is with a reason.

First of, Ate tends to grab whatever Jaden is holding. Consequently, Jaden's reaction is to hit back and seize the object in her ate's hands.Secondly, Jaden is only imitating what her ate is doing. At Jaden's age she is very observant, she can even emulate how her ate's eyes rolled from one direction to another or how her ate looks at people or how her ate "cries" in every situation. Jaden even gets jealous already, the way her ate does, if she sees her ate and I cozy in one corner! Thirdly, I observed that Jaden wants to be"the ate". Unconsciously, Jaden wants a bit of the limelight from her ate. This is very evident from the fact that when we talk to Jaden, ate wants to also converse with us and Jaden for herself cannot express well enough. So she goes distracting ate so that she can have the attention all to herself. When ate shows off her dancing skills or whatever ate wants to do, Jaden also demonstrates hers. According to the Alfred Adler birth order theory this sums up the influence for the central character trait in the second born: feeling the need to constantly compete for first place in the eyes of their parents. ( from the article Birth Order Personalities - The Second Child by Nina Guilbeau with link http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art14714.asp).

The above article scared me. It is really with huge responsibilities raising two children. However there are tips given in the article Birth Order: Different Characteristics of Each Child, Tips for Parents, written by Marbie Robertson (http://voices.yahoo.com/birth-order-different-characteristics-each-child-4903542.html).
I am just really praying that ate and Jaden will rise above their situation and will not be a shadow of the anyone, that whatever we have done and will be doing will have both a positive and proactive effect in their lives. Squabbles between the two of them is inevitable. However, I hope and pray that they will live a harmonious life, a life full of empathy for one another.

As early as now, I wish I had shown enough for Jaden to understand that she there is no second nor first in the eyes of her papa and mama, that our love for them both surpasses their love and need for us.

A rubber pool in our home

As I've mentioned in my last entry, ate has great affinity for swimming. This cause me and my husband to decide and buy them a rubber pool so that they can enjoy swimming without having to go to a swimming pool. I was overjoyed to see their smiles when they saw to rubber pool in the making. They even wore their swim wear and plunge immediately after waking up.

As of today, I would think this is the most appreciated gift given to ate. Enjoy your new pool ate and Jaden. Good Luck also to our water bill! I hope Davao City Water District (DCWD) will give us a volume discount. However, I was informed that DCWD wants its consumer to conserve water. In the meantime, I have to be ready for a four digit water bill at the end of this month.(sigh)

Thank you May 1

For the first time in approximately 2 years, we saw Papa (my husband) keeping his distance to his phone. In other words, there were no emails, texts or calls. And it was with great relief that he was able to bond and relax with us at Forest Hill Resort, Davao Philippines.

Ate Maisie has always declared her great adoration for swimming, I think this goes also for Jaden. Thus, it is no surprise that we went to a pool nearby for relaxation with ate and Jaden.

As cliche as it sounds, some good things never last and this is the hardest part. Ate Maisie is at the peak of her enjoyment, but I have to tell her that in a few minutes we have to head home. Jaden was already exhausted and in just a few minutes in the arms of her lola bing dozed off. Ate was the opposite. She claims she still has the energy to go swimming with friends, Yana and a boy whom she just met in the pool area. It took a lot of goading and crying on her part to convince me that she can continue swimming on her own. I was firm however in our decision to go home.