Sibling Rivalry

"Why is it always you! You want me out of our bed last night! Now you want me out of my seat! You are always whining!"screamed the angry older sister to her young sibling. My heart instantly prayed that Ate and Jaden will not be like this. That they will not follow the footsteps of the Barretto sisters whose quarrels are made public that even their mother already takes sides.

My main issue with Ate and Jaden is that ate is not mature enough to understand that Jaden needs to be taken cared of more because she is still fragile and vulnerable. Although from time to time we tell ate this fact. In as much as Jaden will not also understand that when her ate says that she don't want to share her toy it means no and Jaden has to look for another toy. I want them to play together because for me that is their bonding moment. However most of the time it is the source of their conflict. Their struggle lies in the fact that whatever ate holds, Jaden wants it too. In a similar manner that Papa and I don't want them to feel that we favor one from the other. As much as we can, we treat them equally. But this article proves me wrong.

This is an article by Anthony Kane, MD entitled How to deal with sibling rivalry with link http://www.articlesfactory.com/articles/family/how-to-deal-with-sibling-rivalry.html. I just want to highlight a few points that made an impact to me.

1. Current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family.
2. One of the main benefits that sibling rivalry teaches children is conflict resolution.
3. The second important lesson that we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair.
4. Let your children work out disputes themselves.
5. Once there is a fight they are automatically both wrong. What caused the fight becomes secondary.  
6. Constantly giving in is not acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the compromise.
7. One of the things that sibling rivalry teaches is that things in life are not always fair.
8. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources.

Another article; Sibling Rivalry and how to help with link http://www.solutionsforchildproblems.com/sibling-fighting.html, says that  we can use incidents of sibling fighting, for example, to teach children how to solve conflict, to problem solve, assert themselves, handle negative feelings and empathize with and appreciate the perspective of others.

I also read on http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080113173816AAC4wLD, how to deal with sibling fighting in toddlers says that,  In the case of a child having a toy snatched from their hands, it is the child who lost the toy. Our culture likes to label this child the "victim" and we have very strong personal ideas about helping an innocent victim! Our first impulse is to rush over and console the "poor upset victim" and to admonish the "bully" who overstepped his bounds. We pluck the toy from the "bully", yell at him for his mean behaviour and return it to the "victim" so we have set things right!

The trouble with this response is that it actually grooms a child to be more likely to be a victim, because they have learned by standing still and looking tearful and upset (under-resourced or being incapable), someone will come and handle their life problems. The successful outcome shows the child that their approach was a good strategy to solve a problem. This does not hold up well as a life lesson. We don't want to teach this.

The other faulty notion is to mistakenly believe that the child snatching the toy was in some way being mean and brutal. No, in fact, that child is also deficient in how to solve his life problems. He wants a toy and so he must solve how to get it. Much of what young children know has come from watching their parents deal with them, and they frequently learn from parent-child interactions, that "might is right".

The child takes the most simplistic model he is aware of in his young age and experience and goes about solving his situation with his peers the only way he knows. He has no feelings of meanness, he just wants to solve the problem of getting the toy! If we punish this boy he may potentially learn that "life is out to get me" and that he is a "bad boy" and he will begin to grow and develop in line with that expectation. Our responses will actually foster BOTH the "bully" and the "victim" idea we are fearful of and trying to avoid!

The parent or teacher's role in these scenarios is to train the children in ways to deal more effectively and co-operatively with this life challenge. It is a time to guide and teach (the real basis of discipline) not to punish. Neither is a victim or bully, they are just two children in need of skills development and in growing their "social interest" as we Adlerian call it (also known as social feeling - caring for others).


With all these readings, and I think it is too much for me to take in as of the moment. It will take time to change our perspective on sibling rivalry from that mentioned in the article. But of course we all learn and I hope it will not be too late. I also pray that their rivalry / fighting will not be as intense.